Forgiving (Not for me)

I have never been the type of person who hates people or bears a grudge in himself.Because I have always taught myself to love people no matter what they did or done to me.Everybody can make so many mistakes during his lifetime.And all of them are forgivable.Because hate can both damage me and the others.That's why we need to forgive and move on.Yes I always said this to myself.Over and over again!!And during my life I have experienced bad things,fights...But eventually I got over them and forgave both for me and the others.But I cant forgive one person in my life.I hate this "hate" feeling but I have had this feeling towards him since I remembered myself.I know I gotta to get rid of this feeling but you know I cant and I never will.Because the hate in me is towards my father.I don't like him and more I hate him.There is big big hate to him.I cant describe it.No love just hate!He has done so many bad things to us that I don't know how to love him.And I don't want to.Sometimes I wish I never had a father like this because I'm ashamed of him.There are so many people who lost their dad when they were too young.And I always think that this should have been different.Their fathers (I'm talking about the good fathers) are a good person but they are dead.Mine is shit but he is still alive!?They are supposed to live now not mine.But you know you cant change some things and I accepted that.But you know it is too hard sometimes.Sometimes he talks so much,yells at me,swears and things like and I'm used to hear these when he says to me but when it comes to my mom and sister things change! I cant put up with this.Because I hate seeing them like this.I know they are strong they are  used to this shit but I know they are crying inside and it is killing me more!Because I cant do anything anything anything! He is sick and we cant imagine how he are gonna act when we answer back at him.That's why we  have learnt to stay quite but sometimes this is so hard.And today it is the hardest! Because he is trying to intervene into my dreams.He is trying to ruin them.This is killing me.But I never gonna let this happen.No fucking way!I have been working for my dreams and never gonna let some asshole ruin this!I have got so many things in me.I'm angry,upset,worried...This is so tough but I'm tougher and I'm gonna through this with my mom and sister.I cant stay quite anymore.I cant do this.And I'm gonna figure this out someway.I will stay strong and never gonna let my asshole father ruin us.